fakeboyfriend

In honor of today’s being Halloween, I would like to discuss fakeboyfriends that are also scary. Is there a character from a horror film on whom you have a crush? Do you like the hero of the story who fights off the scary evil ones? Or, do you like the scary evil ones? Do you prefer a man in a mask? Or, carrying a chainsaw? Does the power of evil draw you in?

I have to admit that I tend to be the one falling for the hero, but can, at times, go for the bad ones. Of course, to truly enjoy this, one must also enjoy watching scary movies–which I don’t. I’ve never liked being scared by movies, though I understand that many of you out there do enjoy it. What is it that you see in horror flicks? Is it the adrenaline rush?

Whatever your preference when it comes to fakeboyfriends on the horror scene, I hope you allow yourself to enjoy the fantasy.

There have been a tremendous amount of interruptions to my fantasy life of late. Work, kids–you may likely empathize with my plight. There are so many things that are out of my control in life. Time is one of the major things in my life that I feel I have little control over at present. Part of that is because my kids are still fairly young and need a lot of attention. It’s just the nature of parenthood. But, how I tend to keep my sanity is through a life much like Walter Mitty’s (minus the spies and intrigue, unless of course it’s a James Bond fantasy). I’ve an escapist personality and the imaginary me has not had a vacation recently. I find that I am having so much on my mind with my huge to-do list that I have little room left for 007, House or any other of my fakeboyfriends. I don’t even have time for one of them, much less the multitudes that usually occupy one level of my brain. I’m not sure what to do about it, either. I can’t quit life to live in fantasy. I have to work to pay the bills and, most importantly, have to be there for my kids. I guess I’ll just have to wait this out until my next real vacation by having little fantasy “quickies.”

What do you do when you don’t have time for full-blown fantasies?

Okay, I will officially label myself a geek with this post. But, I really have a crush on Bertie Wooster. Unless you watch a lot of PBS or BBC America, you probably have no idea of whom I speak. Bertie Wooster is a character in the Jeeves & Wooster books by P.G. Wodehouse as well as the BBC TV series by the same name. And, well, admission time here, Hugh Laurie played Bertie Wooster. Yes, that is probably a big part of why I like the character. Laurie uses his comedic skills to perfection in these stories about a bumbling aristocrat and his ever-capable manservant who was played by Stephen Frye. Frye also starred with Laurie in the BBC comedy variety show, A Bit of Frye and Laurie, which is also worth a watch as it is incredibly funny.

Jeeves and Bertie are constantly falling into mysteries or potential scandals which sets off a hysterical chain-reaction of events that takes Bertie’s unintentional bumbling along with Jeeves’ wits to solve. Watching all of this activity enhanced by Frye and Laurie’s skills is delightful. And although Bertie is often bumbling, he is still adorable and seems like he’d be a lot of fun with whom to spend time.

Okay, yes, you already think I’m crazy for even having a title on fakeboyfriend called “Adrian Monk.” But, look, there is something really compelling about him, in a weird way. Perhaps it is because I laugh when I watch the show. Or, maybe it is a result of feeling the need to take care of him. Although, that is a dangerous type of relationship to be in, even in a fakeboyfriend relationship because the guy is so needy. Yeah, I know, weird area here. I think, though, that I want to be Adrian’s girlfriend because he would be fun to make fun of. Yes, I know, that’s not nice. But, what I really intend here is that it would be fun to tease him, make messes that he must confront on purpose–try to stretch him out of his comfort zone. Hey, it would make for good episodes, anyway.

There is something really delicious and delightful about having fakeboyfriends. Previously, I discussed about the qualities, both good and bad, about fakeboyfriends. But, I’m  not sure it is really something that can be quantified. I’m beginning to think that it’s more about self-esteem than anything else. When I have a fakeboyfriend, I feel prettier, less like I must lose the last few pounds since my youngest child was born, less like a failure for not pursuing all of the dreams of my youth, and so much more. I can live vicariously through, well, myself (which isn’t the definition of the word, I know, but somehow it still applies . . .).  Having a fakeboyfriend is a boost so that maybe I can find ways to lose those last few pounds or find a way to at least partially pursue those childhood dreams.

Ford Prefect? Arthur Dent? Zaphod Beeblebrox? Or, are you saying, who are these guys?

They are characters in the Douglas Adams book, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It was made into a movie a few years ago, but the books are so much better as they are chock full of fun details. The books in this series are science fiction comedy. They are really quite funny. The first book begins with woefully average Arthur Dent whose house is about to be bulldozed to make way for a bypass road. While Arthur is busy standing in front of the bulldozer, his friend Ford Prefect arrives to take Arthur to the pub for a drink. When Arthur protests that he is busy, Ford tells him that it doesn’t matter because the Earth is about to be destroyed anyway. Ford and Arthur, after a less than sobering visit to the pub, hitchhike on a spaceship of the aliens who are about to destroy the Earth. It gets weirder from there: They meet Zaphod Beeblebrox who is the President of the Galaxy and also has an extra head.

All three characters are engaging in their own ways. I can’t ever decide which one I like best as fakeboyfriend material. Ford is energetic and fun, while Arthur resembles a puppy dog so much that you just want to take him home and feed him. Zaphod wouldn’t really be good for any kind of relationship except perhaps a one night stand. I just can’t get over the second head. It’s a bit too weird for my taste. But, hey, some of you out there might be into that. Are you?  

Oh, the days of the X-files! What nostalgia. David Duchovny’s character of Mulder was cute, goofy and just enough weird to make him really interesting. Oh how I wanted to be in a town where something odd was happening so that Mulder and Scully would have to visit. Then, I would help them solve the mystery. As thanks they would offer to take me out to dinner, but Scully would come down with a little head cold and not feel like going. Mulder and I would then bond over a good eggplant parmagiana and a bottle of wine. Our destiny to fall into bed with one another would be sealed over our shared cannoli. Yum.

Of course, that would only yield one guest appearance on the show. An alternative fantasy would be to be Scully’s younger sister who dates Mulder for a while, much to Scully’s chagrin. It doesn’t much matter which way the storyline goes as long as I end up with Mulder . . .

If your fakeboyfriend were real, would you have enough common interests with him on which to base a real relationship? I doubt that I would with mine. I probably wouldn’t even like most of them if they were real. I suppose that is one of the nice things about the fantasy of a fakeboyfriend: You can imagine yourself in situations where you would never be in real life.

Really, what the heck would House and I talk about? I know nothing about medicine (thankfully, as I get queasy around guts and gore). I am not a musician and my wit is not sharp enough. I have my witty moments, but they feel few and far between. House wouldn’t give me the time of day, and I probably wouldn’t with him, either.

Alan Shore wouldn’t be a great fit for me, either, actually. I know as much about the law as I do about medicine. I am not interested in pornography or anything as depraved as Alan claims to be. I do tend to agree with him on political and social issues, however. Side note–wouldn’t it be fabulous if there were a DVD released of just Alan Shore’s closing arguments? Delicious.

I certainly have nothing in common with Jack Sparrow and Legolas wouldn’t give a silly human like me the time of day.

Despite all these problems with my fakemen, I still keep coming back. Why? Because it’s fun. Because I enjoy the fantasy and escape form the real world of work, kids, and money pressures.  It makes me happy. So, then, how many things can you say make you happy and are also not fattening?

Do you find that you are attracted to a particular actor at a certain age? Perhaps a character that the actor did a few years ago appeals to you more than an actor’s recent characters, or vice versa? This happens to me a lot, actually. I find myself still incredibly attracted to the young James Spader in Sex, Lies and Videotape and Stargate. He is appealing, still boyish and vulnerable in those roles. I do like his current role as Alan Shore as I have posted about previously, but I find the younger Spader’s roles particularly fetching (if roles can be fetching . . .).

There are some actors who become more attractive with age. I suppose the term “distinguished” is the usual word for attractive older men? Hugh Laurie definitely falls into this category. Not that he was ugly in his younger days, but he was certainly a bit odd looking. Of course, hid oddity was enhanced by his constant use of odd facial expressions in his character roles.

So, are there male characters that you like at one age, but not so much at another?

There’s a new guy in town, I mean, at the hospital these days. His name is Lucas Douglas and he’s a PI. He’s doing investigations for House–investigating patients, the other doctors, even House himself. And, he’s funny. He’s funny when he’s one step ahead of everyone else, including House. Because he’s funny, he’s kind of cute. He’s also a bit annoying, but in a way that makes him even cuter. He’s almost like a Gregory House in training without all the emotional baggage and pain. But, if he sticks with House long enough he’ll get some baggage and pain, just like everyone else on the show. I am eager to see how the character develops this season. It is doubtful that Lucas could ever replace House as a fakeboyfriend, but he might do for an imaginary fling or two.